You gotta start somewhere

Let's start at the beginning. 

I used to be thin. Or average. Okay, so I just wasn't fat. I was normal. And normal was good. So good, that I never had to think about it. Exercise was something that happened by default. Like if I did a sport and had to go to practice. So that basically took me through Junior High. I played basketball during my Freshman year of High School - but if we're being real, how much exercise does frosh girls b-ball actually entail? So I guess you could say that I never learned the skill of regularly exercising. 

College came and went. And each year I would gain the 'freshman 15' and lose it when I went home for the summer. Oh - and it was during college that I learned the true meaning of having a 'Big Mac Attack'. After college I tried doing Atkins. All I can remember from that time in my life was eating hot dogs and green beans. I don't even know if that's a part of the Atkins diet, but that's what I ate. And I got thin! I wish I had some pictures from back then. I remember there was an outfit that I wore on a date that I felt super cute in. It was a short mini-jean skirt and a charcoal grey t-shirt (but a nice t-shirt) and black penny loafers.  I know, even as I wrote it out it didn't sound cute, but in my mind, I was sooo cute. 

And then I got introduced to alcohol. And it became my friend. Too good of a friend, and that was the beginning of my demise. I loved dancing and when you mix that with alcohol, you kinda think that you're the lead dancer in a music video. (but now I know the folly in that) But when you stop dancing, continue with the drinking and add on mountains of greasy food to sop up all the alcohol running through your veins, you've got the perfect recipe for weight gain. And lots of it. 

My weight gain seemed to sneak up on me. It was gradual. Yes, clothes became too tight, so I would buy a piece here, and a piece there that will help me get through the work week as I could recycle them in the wardrobe at least a few times. And I would always think 'oh man, this is the biggest I've ever been' as I'd try and force myself into my current pair of pants. At some point alcohol and I broke up. We parted ways but my buddy 'fast food' still hung around. I wasn't much of a cook and it was so quick and easy to go by a drive through and pick up dinner and eat it while watching TV.  It became my norm.

And then I met the love of my life. The man who is now my husband, and the man who loved me even though I was fat. He never knew what I looked like before, but he loved who I was at the moment. And he still does. He is the most amazing and supportive guy ever. All he wants for me is to be happy and healthy. So if even if I start a diet for the millionth time, he'll still be like, 'Great! You can do it!' And he thinks I'm beautiful. Just as I am. 

But I don't. I actually feel really uncomfortable in my own skin. Well, I actually feel really uncomfortable with all the fat underneath my skin. It's tiring, I lack energy, and I know life could be so much different. There are so many things that I don't want to do because I'm self conscious of how I look. There are so many things that I don't enjoy doing because I'm over weight. And honestly, I'm really sensitive about it too. 

I think that might be surprising to some of my friends. I think my personality tends to lend itself to people thinking that I can be pretty care-free with everything in my life. Or at least joke it off, or not take it too seriously. But the truth is, it's really hard for me. 

I just got back about a month ago from adopting my son Internationally. One of my girlfriends is a professional photographer and she came to the airport to capture the moment of when I arrived. A week or so later, she emailed me the photos. I looked through each of them slowly and they made me cry. Not because they were so touching that I was actually back on US soil with the newest member of my family, but because I was absolutely mortified at how huge I was. And now I was staring right at this mirror image of what I had allowed myself to become. I was devastated.

But life at home was busy. Transitioning my son into our family, and transitioning my daughter to the new addition of a brother left me no time to wallow in my self pity. Instead, I was trying to get a routine started, and a sleeping schedule implemented and moments throughout the day to focus solely on attachment and bonding. 

And that brought me to last night. One of my girlfriends spearheaded a 'Girls Night Out'. We were supposed to dress in what ever made us feel 'Fun & Fabulous' and she had a whole list of things we needed to accomplish throughout the night while cruising around in a limo. And while I did have a really good time, I know without a shadow of a doubt, that the evening should not have been spent with me refusing to karaoke because I didn't want to stand up in front of everyone, or going through the camera and deleting all the photos of me when no-one was looking. 

I want to be able to enjoy those times with my friends, but more importantly, I want to be able to enjoy my time with my kids; my family. So I decided that I needed to do something to hold myself accountable. And that's when I thought of a blog. I figured that I could use it as a journal of sorts since it logs the time and date. I really debated about going 'public' with it, but I figured that if I did go public, it would be way more embarrassing if I didn't follow through, than if I had a private blog that no-one saw but me (even though I realize that I could still be the only one reading this thing). 

So here's the deal: I need a goal. So I decided to make the girls from the kpop videos my goal. Have you seen how great those girls look? And yes, I know it's probably impossible to look like them, but I'm thinking that even if I get 50% of the way there I'll end up looking decent, right? yeah? are you with me? 

My birthday is during the beginning of December. So while the birthday that is just over 2 weeks away is way to soon to accomplish anything, I'm hoping that the birthday that is just over a year away, will be cause for me to celebrate in a super huge way. And to help get me there, I'm going to blog about my progress every day. No joke. Every day I'm making the commitment to 'journal' about my progress. The good, the bad, the accomplishments, and the failures. But I want to do it. I need to do it. And I'm going to do to it. 

So here's to my journey of becoming a kpop star. Or at least trying to look like one.