Alright. Here's the deal.

Okay. So this is going to sound really crazy, but you need to stay with me for a bit. For reals. 

... But I'm going to be taking a short hiatus from my weight-loss journey ...

I did some 'research' today, and a TON of 'self analysis'. And during that little 'journey' I took, I've discovered something about myself. I have an Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder. It's called 'Demand Resistance' and basically, well... here's a description:

"Demand-Resistance is defined as a chronic and automatic negative inner response to the perception of pressure, expectations, or demands (from within or without)(Mallinger and De Wyze, 1992). As a form of self-sabotage, this (usually unconscious) resistance takes a heavy toll on our homes, our lives, our work, our relationships. We frequently feel frustrated by and angry at ourselves and our situations. We're helpless, it's hopeless: and we don't know how to change."

I guess I could go through and list all the ways this 'disorder' has affected my life (as it's crazy how I've been able to come up with example... after example... after example... ) but I'll save you the sob story. 

Oh - and remember how I mentioned a while back that I might be a 'hoarder'? Well it turns out that I am. I'm actually between a Stage 1-2. Nice. (what that means is that I can clean it up if I have people coming over, but if you were to just 'drop by', I might not open the door).

Here is a blurb I found online by a fellow 'sufferer':

"The interesting thing is that we are often demand resistant to our own ideas.

This especially happens when saying "I ought to do the dishes." or "I should do the dishes." or "I must do the dishes." or "I have to do the dishes". Those words "ought to", "should", "must", and "have to" .... feel like demands. So we resist those demands.

I never saw the importance of a clean home. I always felt that cleanliness was an expectation from society but not important. The mess didn't bother me, so why should I clean to please other people? I resisted these societal expectations.

I resisted challenges, lists, anything that implied something I had to do.

I finally learned to say "I CHOOSE to do the dishes". Somehow, CHOOSING is self-empowering to me. I can CHOOSE to pick up the trash. I don't have to do it, but I can CHOOSE to do it.

Note that some of the books and online websites on these concepts suggest saying "I want to" (instead of "I have to" or "I should"). That never worked for me ... because I really did NOT want to clean the toilet. And saying "I want to clean the toilet" was a bunch of baloney and I didn't like that.

So I have found that regardless of whether I "want" to clean the toilet or not .... I can CHOOSE to clean it. And that makes all the difference for me. "

So I have to say - I can SOOOOOOO relate to what she wrote. For reals. It's almost scary. Know what else is scary? I read how some people who are DR (Demand Resistant) will not take medications because they think they 'have' to. Um... remember my magic pills? Well my trainer told me to take them 3 times a day. I've taken them zero days. I can come up with all these reasons why I can't. It's not because I don't want to, and it's not like I'm trying to OUT RIGHT defy him, but it's totally a subconscious thing. So weird.

So basically, it was like as soon as I read those articles, my eyes were instantly opened, and I saw myself in an entirely new way. 

That being said, I need to attack my 'hoarding' issue first. I started practicing some of the activities they suggest this afternoon and I can't believe what I was able to accomplish - both mentally, and physically. It's not going to happen to over night, but I'm really ready to take this thing on. I can see how everything is all intertwined (and again, I'm leaving out much of the back story  - so you'll just have to trust me on this) and I just need to focus on the process, and not the end result right now.  

I'll still be checking in on my blog every night for the accountability (and it's something I WANT to do) and soon, I'll be focusing back on the weight-loss. And honestly, I'm SUPER excited about this. I see how accomplishing the things I need to now, will TOTALLY affect my response to my weight loss. And I really want to still hear about all of your accomplishments... and running ventures... and workouts... so don't leave me. Please.

So there you have it. It's official. I've got issues.