So this morning I got up, started my day ... and WOW. It was a tough day. First off, the husband told me last night that my list was too long. But I was like, 'no way! it's totally not. I have it totally broken down to simple tasks, so it's no big deal.'
Was I ever wrong. I knew I had this list that I needed to accomplish and it started to weigh on me. So true to form, I started working on other things, or found a ton of important phone calls I needed to make, and emails to return. Pretty soon I ran out of random things to do, so I turned on a CD and sat in my office. I knew the first thing on the list was to 'put my fabric away' as I have bolts of fabric that needed a home in my fabric shelf. (notice I didn't actually read the list... first mistake...)
As I sat in front of my fabric shelf, I saw a small stack of papers, some letters, a magazine... and slowly I sorted the items and made some more space for me. I then picked up the magazine and started to leaf through some of the pages, reading some tidbits here and there and then I realized what I was doing. (I think that's the interesting thing about now being aware of your 'behaviors'... things you never gave a second thought about, now scream in your face that it's not right). I tossed the magazine to the side and began to organize the bolts of fabric. Once I finished that, I even sorted a bunch of 'faux flowers' and straightened up a large shelf next to the fabric. I had definitely made a bit of progress and was happy with that, but then I turned around. I still have some medium-sized bins filled with supplies that sit on the floor. I'm not sure where I'll put those items, and I've 'told myself' that everything MUST have a place. So my eyes scan to the other side of the room where I see bins of other random supplies (pre-cut fabric, ribbon, shipping labels, tissue...) and my heart begins to beat faster. In my brain, this begins to turn into a big task... and I start to feel overwhelmed and I need to leave the room.
Instead of being able to break down what needs to be done in the office (or simply looking at my list and picking a different specific task) I just walk away. I start thinking about all that I need to do and I feel stuck. I feel stressed, but I can't put my finger on the exact reason why. It's not like I'm saying to myself, 'I don't want to clean this!' but it's like I just can't get myself to do it. Then I rationalize why I should just take a break... or check and see if that email came in that I'm waiting on, or go see how the kids are doing (as the sitter came to help out today).
But now I can recognize that those behaviors that I exhibited today, are not the behaviors that I'm after. I'm trying to really pay attention to my 'triggers' and how I'm feeling, and why I'm feeling the way I do. And when I'm feeling weak, I lean on my support. I called the husband at work and just told him that I was frustrated because I was having a hard time. Basically, I had set some 'expectations' of myself that I wanted to achieve today, and I couldn't handle the pressure of it. And honestly - it's embarrassing to me that I can't seem to accomplish these simple tasks. But the husband is wonderful. He's patient, he's understanding, he listens, and he's empathetic. And boy - do I love him! He asked me what I had gotten done and after I told him, he said that he thought I did a really good job, and that I shouldn't feel bad because I had gotten something done (and when he got home he told me that he could totally tell a difference in the office - that made me smile).
I also spoke to my BFF and she just knows how to encourage me! She reminded me that it took me YEARS to get this point, so I can't expect to 'fix it' in a matter of 2 days. She said that I need to scrap my list and have ONE thing on it - or only 'organize' for 30 minutes (which is funny because I was actually joking to another friend that I my 'To Do Lists' will probably have to be one item long)
Anyway... that's the glimpse into how my day went today. Tomorrow is a new day, and in the morning, I shall pick a task to complete. I want to accomplish that task, and I really do believe that I can. As the husband told me this evening, 'it's all about baby steps, and you're doing it!'
(did I mention that I soooooo love the husband?!?!)
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