sorry but ...

... I'm kinda busy watching my shows tonight. Tuesday has some good TV.

So I'm gonna make this quick. Today was a good day. Came in under my target calories and I'm feeling good.

Okay, back to my regularly scheduled program.

wow ... I even surprised myself

My calorie count was way on the low side today as I ended up eating some super low calorie meals (like egg white omelets, and a little spelt 'taco' of sorts) so I allowed myself to have some bigger snacks. One of which, was my evening treat. I've allowed myself to have 2 squares of Lindt Dark Chocolate with Sea Salt each night. I literally eat the squares by taking super small bites and sucking out every ounce of flavor that I possibly can. Not even kidding. It lasts longer that way. 

Anyway, since I had my edible calorie surplus tonight, I decided to really treat myself and have FOUR squares of chocolate. I just finished eating them a little bit ago and honestly, I kinda feel a bit sick. It was too much. Can you believe that? I actually think I ate TOO MUCH chocolate. What is happening to me?! 

But not to worry, I still have my sweet tooth. In fact, I started doing some calculations. Since my birthday is rapidly approaching, I started thinking about what I'm going to celebrate with (like... what kind of cake or treat will I be shoving into my mouth on my special day). There is a bakery down the street from my house that makes the most delectable lemon souffle cake I've ever tasted in my entire life. So I have to admit that the thought did cross my mind that maybe I should buy an entire cake for me to consume by myself ... but then I moved on. (I know, a big whew, right?!) My favorite cake flavor is actually good old basic 'white' cake with chocolate frosting ... so that was considered as well. And then I figured it out. 

I love cheesecake. In fact, my favorite is the Vanilla Bean Cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory. So I looked up the calories in that and guess what, it's over 800 calories PER SLICE. So I figure - SWEET, that's a huge calorie tradeoff for something. And I found the most perfect thing to trade it with. 

Trader Joe's has these Peppermint Pretzel Thins that are absolutely amazing. They're these super thin pretzels that are dipped in white chocolate and sprinkled with peppermint bits. Heaven in every bite. And the only reason I know is because after I passed by them on two separate trips (passed by as in I only stared at them, I didn't touch the bag), the husband decided to buy them on our last trip there. And who am I to deny my husband, right? (and of course I ate one - and ONLY one - I swear!)

A bag of those babies weigh in at a whopping 800+ calories ... and seriously, I think they have almost the exact the same calorie equivalent as the cheesecake. So doesn't logic say I can have the entire bag of those things instead of eating a single slice of Cheesecake?

... please say yes ... please say yes ... please say yes ...

So I'm still deciding what I'm actually going to do ... but I kinda want to be gluttonous and eat the whole bag. Which I know I'll end up looking like some crack addict taking secret hits from the bag when I think no-one is looking. But .... maybe that's a risk I'm willing to take. 

Accomplishments Anyone?

I can't believe it's already been a week. Seriously. But as they say ... time marches on ... whether we do or not. 

So does anyone have anything fun to share? Anyone? Yeah? No? Hello?

So here's the dealio on me:

I lost another

2 lbs!!!

And I will most definitely take it. I was a bit afraid that I would actually gain some this week, so I was actually hoping to break even, so the fact that I still lost something ... a big whoop-de-do for me!

So it's back to the old routine now, and I'm totally cool with it. Although my birthday actually falls during this week and I'm planning on eating some Korean food to celebrate. So again ... I'm going to enjoy it, but just jump back into the plan the next day. 

Okay, so that's that. Time to get some shut eye. 

Back to Reality

I know I didn't go into too much detail last night as I was beyond exhaustion, but I think I came in under my calorie count. When I left to go Black Friday shopping, I armed myself with some pre-measured almonds in a bag and a fruit bar (which is 50 calories). I put those in my purse and I actually didn't snack on them at all while I was gone. There was a breakfast break at IHOP, but I ordered a veggie omelet from their 'Fit' menu and supposedly it had 320 calories. I say supposedly because I just don't trust restaurants like that. I mean, I'm sure it was made in butter or oil, etc... 

I was really full from that and ended up just having an early dinner... so again, I think I came in under my calories for the day, but I'm not sure. OH! How could I forget?! I ordered a 'Body Bug' type thing (it's not an actual Body Bug but its made by the makers of Body Bug) and it just arrived a few days ago. I still have to charge it, but once I do, then I can start wearing it and REALLY get down to business. I'm super excited about it. 

But enough of that. This is my day to post new clothes for my virtual closet. The other day in preparation, I went to Carolina Herrera's website to check out her latest line. I love her designs and she's been a favorite designer of mine for quite some time. Her formal wear is what I like most. It's very feminine and beautiful. 

Anyway, imagine my surprise when I went to check out her Spring 2011 and it has KOREAN influences! So crazy! I tried to 'right click' the photos so I could show you, but of course it was impossible. So go check out the line when you get the chance. Overall it isn't my favorite, but there are some cool pieces. 

But I did find this little number at modcloth.com

and I'm thinking that I'd try to sport that whole

black tights with black shoes look.

which means I would most definitely 

have to pick up these Jimmie Choos

alright ... I have to go do my 'last chance workout'. 

just kidding

I'm not at that point yet. 

But I am ready to go to bed. 

So off I go!

must ... get ... sleep

I'm beat ... here's why:

• went to bed at 11pm and woke up every hour on the hour as either my daughter or my son would wake up crying.
• finally got up at 3:25am
• left the house for Black Friday shopping at 3:35am
• drank caffeine 
• came back from shopping but decided to NOT take a nap
• 2:30p had pictures taken for Christmas
• 4:30p had an early dinner
• 6:30p crashed on couch
• 9:30p just woke up but feel like I've been hit by a truck because I'm still so tired

So with that, I'm out. Today my calories were under, but they were all wonky. I'll explain tomorrow. I feel like it's too much work for my brain right now. 

Let's Do it!

Today was really great. Especially considering my night was super not. My son decided that he didn't want to sleep for the majority of the night. I have NO CLUE what was going on ... maybe some late 'grieving', I don't know. But it was super lame for me. (he's totally fine now, so no worries!)

I ate one plateful (and I mean plateful) of Thanksgiving deliciousness. I didn't feel guilty and I enjoyed every bite. Although I have to say that my consumption speed was slower than normal as I had to feed an impatient little boy who was sitting next to me in his high chair. After the meal was all said and done my Mom said that was the worst Thanksgiving meal that she has ever eaten. She thought the turkey was rubbery and the stuffing was burnt. I thought the turkey was great and I actually enjoy things 'crispy' so it didn't phase me in the slightest. And I definitely told her so. Maybe my lack of eating 'comfort food' has altered my perception of tasty goodness, but I thought it tasted pretty darn good. 

For dessert I had a half slice of Apple Pie and a half slice of Pumpkin Pie (so I would think I was only having one piece of pie) with just a little dab of vanilla bean ice cream. Oh yeah, I also had a super small mint brownie. 

Okay. So that was a lot of food. But it was fun, I thoroughly enjoyed it, but as I said before, I'm REALLY glad that I'm getting back to my 'new/normal' eating habits. I didn't drink nearly enough water and I saw how easily it was for me to lose any sense of self control when I started heaping piles of food onto my plate. So again, it just confirmed that I have a long ways to go, but at the same time, I didn't feel guilty.  I went into this day knowing and allowing myself to have this day to eat. 

My plan of attack for tomorrow is to not only make good/healthy food choices, but I'm going to burn some of those calories I consumed with some Black Friday SHOPPING!

Oh yeah ... here I come! So I gotta get to bed ... 3:30am is going to come way sooner than I think!

a girl with a plan

I'm super tired tonight, so this is going to be short and sweet. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I've got a plan.

I decided that I want to enjoy this day of super delicious food. To me, it's ONE day. And if you break it down, it's ONE meal ... okay, so maybe two ... and I am not going to be eating like this on a regular basis. So I decided that I'm going to eat a really 'clean' breakfast, drink plenty of water throughout the day, and just enjoy this day of feasting. I want to say that I'm just going to indulge myself since I have two full days before I have to weigh in again, but you know what? Just thinking that my 4lb weight loss could disappear before my eyes has me a bit concerned ...

So I guess I'll just have to see what happens tomorrow. No matter what, I want to enjoy the food portion of the day, but know that I will go back to cutting out those high calorie foods the next day.

Hope you all have a super great and happy Thanksgiving!!!

It's Getting Easier

Last night I got an email on Facebook from my old college room mate. We only live about 45 minute apart from each other, but for some reason it's always hard for us to get together. She had a few days off and wanted to know if I had any time to hang out. I happened to have this morning 'open' so I offered for them to come to my house and the girls could play (she has a daughter who's just a couple of months older than mine) and we could chat, and then have lunch. 

For the first time it was super easy to make good choices. My frig was stocked with healthy choices and so I made us my favorite salad. I made lunch for the kiddos and I wasn't tempted to eat any of the 'veggie chips' that I gave them, or the low fat cookies. I feel like things are starting to become a 'habit' or maybe I should even use the term 'lifestyle change'. 

I don't know what it is, but this time is so different from the other times I've tried to lose weight. I'm not stressed about it, and I'm sticking to it. It doesn't seem hard at this point. Don't get me wrong, I know there will be tough days ahead, but I feel like there's less pressure.

This time around there are no insane expectations or restrictions. I still 'treat' myself every day, but this time it's controlled and I'm not just letting myself eat what ever I want. 

and I have to say. It feels really good.

Spelt ... know what it is?

Today was my field trip to Trader Joes. First off, my TJ has the most HORRIBLE parking lot. It's almost enough to make me NOT want to go. But of course I 'bucked up' and went anyway (with both kiddos in tow). I don't know if this is normal or not, but it was packed. Not sure if was the break in the rain we've been having, or the fact that it's just a few days before Thanksgiving, but the ambiance was not conducive to browsing the shelves and reading labels. Thankfully my girlfriend knew where all the good stuff was located so we were able to navigate the crowds and get out of there without too much of a hassle. 

Right now the batteries in my camera are dead, so tomorrow I'll post some photos of what I got. But for now, I will say that I did buy a single serving of Greek Yogurt and tomorrow I am mustering up the courage to try it. I have no idea why I'm so scared of the stuff, but for some reason I am. So I'll be sure to let you know what I think of it. 

Oh - and Spelt ... I got some tortillas made of Spelt. Not something I would ever buy on my own accord, but since I haven't eaten bread of any sort for over a week, I have to say, they tasted rather good. I took a spelt tortilla, added a few black beans, a few little pinches of rice, a slight dash of cheese, and thin slices of cucumber and tomato. I actually ate two of them. The calorie count was high because of the tortillas are 120 calories each. Oh - and I ate 2 of them. It was really filling (which is what I was going for) and then I had that meal again at dinner. 

I still did well with my calories for the day (despite the double high calorie meal) but learned that eating too many beans isn't good for my system. And I'll just leave it at. 

Accomplishments Anyone?

It's Sunday night. 

Time to check in. 

Feel free to post ANY accomplishment you had this past week. 

did you make some 'healthy' choices?

did you do an extra set of reps in your workout?

did you pass on that piece of chocolate cake?

what ever it is, feel free to share!

because you know what I get to share this week?

...

...

...

...

wait for it

...

...

...

...

here it comes

...

...

...

...

I  LOST  4LBS!!!

yeah, so I'm pretty much stoked right now.

granted, I'm pretty sure it's just my bloat that I lost

since my salty snack & soda intake basically disappeared

but I'll take it!

(and now to keep the momentum going)

so share your accomplishments with me

so I can be inspired!

Kimchee & Visualization

So I've read about the benefits of eating kimchee awhile ago and I do enjoy eating it. Which is actually kind of surprising considering I've always hated spicy food. Even now, I can't stand salsa that ranks higher than 'mild' and even then, some milds are a bit too much for me to handle. But I can handle kimchee. Or at least I try to to. I usually eat it by diluting the spiciness with rice, but I'll willingly try and consume it by arming myself with a big glass of water. 

The other weird effect that kimchee has on me, is that I'll actually crave it. Again. I find that strange. 

So today I decided to head out in the rain and make a trip across town (about 35-40 minutes each way) to get some kimchee from this little 'Mom & Pop' Korean Shop that I was introduced to. The husband has to work this weekend, so I figured it was a good way to waste some time. 

I bought the regular 'cabbage' variety and I also picked up a jar of the daikon radish kimchee (which is actually my favorite) but after tasting them both, I actually think I prefer the cabbage batch this time around.

When I got back home, it was also lunch time, so I decided to splurge and have a full cup of cooked rice (and yes, I tried to smash as much rice into that measuring cup as I possible could ... like ... I actually used my hand to smash it in) to accompany my new delightful side dish. And ohhh, was it fabulous!

But I did discover two things:

1) I don't need a full cup of rice. I can easily be satisfied with a 1/2 cup (but I'll probably still do my 'smashing' technique, so maybe it IS more equal to a full cup ...)

2) I felt full and satisfied (at this point I had only consumed about half of my rice portion)

I had already started cooking my lunch (which was a bunch of roasted veggies with turkey) so of course I couldn't let it go to waste, but I did make a mental note that a half cup of rice with kimchee would be a fabulous snack that I think I'll have probably once a day. I really want to get in the habit of having daily kimchee consumption. Here's just one of many articles that talk about some of the benefits. You can find that article HERE. 

And now to transition to something altogether different. 

I've heard that you should 'visualize' yourself achieving your goals. Something about that helps you make them a reality (at least I think that's what I was told). So I decided that every Saturday night I'm going to post something that I want to wear when I reach my goal weight. I actually love fashion and one of the biggest frustrations in being fat is that I cannot take part in that hobby. Instead, I'm left to live vicariously through my daughter who has the exact opposite problem as me. She needs to gain weight. Granted, while most of the clothing that's available in children's sizes isn't what I dream about wearing, I do find great pleasure in picking out fun clothes for her. 

But of course I'd rather be picking out clothes for me.

So I did. Here is a little dress that I found at Banana Republic that I would love to wear.

I love the simplicity of the dress, but also the little somethin' somethin' around the neckline. So this will be the first addition to my 'skinny closet' that will exist only in my mind. Because if I'm being honest, by the time I reach my goal weight, I'm going to want to get something new. 

the 'Honeymoon' is apparently over

Okay, so I have LOVED getting all the feedback and ideas from everyone this week. It has been such a huge form of encouragement and has made this week pretty bearable. 

And then there was tonight. 

But don't start groaning for me yet, I haven't made any 'poor choices', but gosh, I am soooo having a mental war with myself. First, I should explain something about me. I am an emotional eater. If there is a reason to celebrate, you better believe I'll 'treat' myself with food. If I'm sad and upset, food is my source of comfort. Bored? I'll mindlessly snack on something. 

I have friends, when they are in need of a  'stress reliever',  choose to run. RUN! Why can't I be like that? Believe it or not, when I'm stressed and I eat, I can actually feel my blood pressure coming down. I can feel a sense of calmness come over me as I enjoy something that tastes good in my mouth. I know, sounds totally crazy right?

Anyway, tonight I got the kids to bed earlier than normal and the husband was working late and believe it or not, I was bored. I fed the kids around 5pm and I ate then too... so now it was over three hours later and I just wanted to eat. Heck - I would have eaten an entire bag of steamed peas, but I knew those were calories that I shouldn't eat... and I didn't need. It was so frustrating. I literally had to ban myself from the kitchen because I would just walk around looking at things I could shove into my mouth. 

I drank water, but I was still obsessing. And honestly, even as I write this now, I still want to eat. But thankfully I have this blog as my accountability. If I didn't, I know I'd be eating something right now. 

*big, BIG sigh*

So on that note, I think I shall go to bed. The sooner I sleep, the sooner I can have breakfast.

The Great Dairy Debate

Today was another good day. I know my calorie count was on the lower side and I'm pretty sure I came in well under. For dinner I had some rotisserie turkey (I know, I'm sure it's loaded with salt... but it's baby steps... baby steps) and I roasted some asparagus and sweet potatoes (and these are the 'white' sweet potatoes, not the orangey 'yam' variety). I cut the sweet potatoes in round slices vs cutting it in half length wise. So I still get to eat some, without over eating or filling up on them. I also heated up some frozen white corn. 

Good times. Good times. 

I'm also super excited because a girlfriend of mine is really passionate about eating healthy (and she looks freaking Ah - mazing) and she's offered to take me on a field trip to Trader Joe's. Now, I've been to Trader Joe's before, in fact, many a times, but this time I'll be going with new eyes. I'll be looking for different items than I normally stock up on. I'll be sure to post photos of what I get afterwards. 

But enough about that, tonight I want to get your input on... well... DAIRY.

I hear such mixed reviews on the stuff. It's good... it's bad... so what is it to you? I actually love non-fat cottage cheese. In fact, if it has any fat in it, I can't eat it. I like having it with a bit of fruit. In fact, I could eat that all day long. But my trainer told me to stay away from it. Something about the body having a tougher time breaking it down... or something like that. Oh, and I love cheese. But that's a given.

So do you eat it? Is it a daily thing? On occasion? 

*** just to make it clear, this is not meant to start WWIII over who is 'more right' on their view. I really learn so much from other people's perspectives as to why they choose what they choose. So any input that you share will help me develop the choice that is right for me. Wow. Now if that didn't sound PC I don't know what will. 

It's getting closer...

Today was actually a really good day. My son slept until 10am - which in some ways was absolutely fabulous, but once you finally get your day started, you realize how much that screws everything up. Like meal times... nap times... you get the picture. But because I was 'off' on everything and felt like I was always trying to catch up, it left me no time to think about food.

I started my morning with the husband getting oatmeal from Jamba Juice. He told me that it was under 300 calories - SCORE! But it's actually just under 400 calories. Hmm. I was going over to a friend's house this afternoon and I was going to watch her youngest son while she went to pick up the older one from pre-school. Well, I lost track of time and realized that I was late. I quickly grabbed food for the kids (since they were now having a later lunch time) and realized that I had nothing that I could take with me for me. I cringed and the decision I was about to make, but I went through the Taco Bell drive through.

I ordered 2 Bean & Cheese Burritos, with no red sauce and I added extra lettuce and tomato. Once I got to my girlfriend's house, I looked up the nutritional values. Each of my burritos were 170 calories. I checked what it would be without cheese, and it was 163... so honestly, I'll eat those extra 7 calories no problem!

Anyway, it's not like I'm going to make a habit of eating Taco Bell, but 340 calories to me, isn't too bad. Especially since my calorie count for the day is a decent amount (I had my calories calculated to see how much I should be eating per day to lose 2lbs per week). I still had plenty of calories to spare, but for dinner I had the salad I had a few days ago (I got more chicken). So right now I'm under my calorie count for the day. Nice!

But even though I feel like today was pretty good, I have to say, I'm kind of dreading Sunday. Sunday morning will be the day I weigh in. And if history repeats itself, then I won't lose anything. My body is a slow reactor. You may not be aware of this, but I have a trainer. I've trained with 5 different trainers throughout the past 5 years. I can eat 'clean', work out, and at the end of a week, I won't lose a thing. It's the most frustrating thing ever. And honestly, that's what makes me quit. Every time. (I haven't been back to the gym in a while because I don't want to put my son in the childcare yet since he's only been home for a month. Also, since we're entering cold & flu season I get paranoid that my kids will get sick. But at some point, I'll go back there.)

So while I'm preparing for disappointment, I really don't want to be.

Oh, and just incase anyone else is doing their own little 'journey' - feel free to post your own little 'weigh in' on here. It would be fun to be able to celebrate everyone's accomplishments. I'm only going to be posting what I've lost (and heaven forbid, gained), as I'm not about go all Biggest-Loser-no-T-shirt-post-my-weight-for-all-to-see on you guys.

Since I post at night, the 'Weigh In' post will be up on Monday morning, so please join me. I'd love to encourage you all, as you've encouraged me.

snacky snacks

Because of my new 'accountability' of checking in on here, I've become acutely more aware of what I'm putting into my mouth. Granted, I'm not eating like I'm training for a body building competition, but I've cut back (waaaaaay back) on my snacking.

But because I've pulled back the reins on the snackin' train, I've discovered that I'm starting to obsess about it. Even if I'm not hungry, I'm thinking, 'but what if I become hungry?' and then I go into panic mode because I can't think of what I can eat ... and then of course there's the whole calorie thing ...

So I'd really like to know what kind of low calorie snacks do YOU like eating?

I'm not a planner. I just decided on Saturday that I was 'officially' going to start this thing. So I haven't done any major grocery shopping. So if any of you decide to share your ideas, I'm totally going to make a list and go get them. For reals. 

Hello. My name is Rachel. And I'm addicted to rice.

Not that I'm someone who always throws down the 'Asian Card' (okay, so maybe I do if it works) but this girl has GOT to have her rice. And no, I don't want the brown stuff, I want the good stuff. I want the simple, basic, sticky, or not, delicious, fabulous, meal-in-its-self, good, old, white rice.

And since I'm Korean, I think that means I'm allowed to have it ... right?

I mean, if everyone over in the motherland gets to have it at every meal, shouldn't I? Just because my zip code isn't the same, doesn't mean that my ethnic roots knows that fact ... right?

So I'm guessing that the big difference between me and them (those distant relatives that live beyond the sea) is a little thing known as PORTION CONTROL. I'm actually kicking myself now that I didn't bring back one of those little metal rice bowl & lid sets when I was in Korea. I think that would have been a great way to start off my portion control of rice. And yes, I would jam pack that baby as tight as I could with rice. Until I can acquire one of those nifty bowls, I guess I'll have to settle with a measuring cup. Which obviously will work even better, it just won't be as cute.

And why am I obsessing about rice? Well, it has a lot to do with my day today.

I started off good again. Had my oatmeal, and even followed it up with some hard boiled egg whites (thank goodness I hate the yokes - I always have - but I love the white part boiled) for protein. I even  pushed my 40+lbs of kiddos in the stroller for just over a mile. For lunch I was planning on having the same salad I made yesterday. So when lunch time rolled around, I went to pull out the chicken I saved from the night before. Except I couldn't find it. Seriously. Like it was NO WHERE in the frig. 

So I get stressed. I'm not good at 'pre-planning' and I thought I had planned ahead by setting aside the chicken. I call the husband at work thinking he snagged my chicken, which of course he denies. And of course I just get more frustrated that I can't find my stupid chicken. 

Now let me explain a bit more about what was going on in my house. Today of all days, I decided to transition my son to one nap (vs two). This kid is keeping me on my toes. He puts EVERYTHING in his mouth. He finds things that I had no idea existed and tries to eat them. And once you put him in his chair, he wants food, and he wants it quick. If you don't feed him immediately, he'll scream. Since I nixed the morning nap, I didn't have my normal 'alone time' to prep the his lunch. Also, when he's done eating, he.is.done. Which means he'll start screaming again. So I have to get everything prepped (his, mine, my daughter's) for lunch before he gets in that chair. Trying to juggle getting 3 separate lunches made and stopping the boy from choking on foreign objects, is nothing short of chaotic for me. 

So once I get him in his chair and serve him his appetizer of Cheerios, I go to the frig and pull out the easiest and quickest thing I can find. Which is white rice and this thing my Mom made. My Grandma made it up and they called it 'Chopped Suey' (I don't even know how to spell it). Anyway, there's not much to it, but I do know there's soy sauce, some beef, mung bean sprouts, celery? I don't know, but you put it over rice.  So I added some more bean sprouts to it and heated it up. 

Granted, I knew that the salt content was probably high, but the calories couldn't be that high. But the amount of rice I used was way over any typically suggested portion size. So that's when I identified one of many problems I have. PORTION CONTROL and RICE. 

I'll save you the play by play, but for dinner the husband picked up Chipotle. I had a burrito bowl that was rice, cheese, carnitas, lettuce and then I added tomato and peas (I bet you weren't expecting that last one). I went online and checked out the 'nutritional value' and of course it was higher than what I wanted to be eating. I was going to bake some chicken I had bought the other day, but when I took it out I realized it was 'past due'. And it was past any sort of window of time that you think you might get away with cooking it.

So to sum it up, I ate some good, but mostly bad, but I did get out and exercise. 

Oh - and does anyone have any suggestions for portion control for me? What is the most amount of rice I can get away with eating PER MEAL. I know, pathetic that I'm already trying to push the limits, but there is no way I can go cold turkey on my rice consumption. 

And on a random note:

these are my shoes which are on my feet.

and I'm planning on them taking me through my journey.

and I'm hoping that they looked trashed when I'm done. 

because right now, they still look new, even though they're not. 

*** I also wanted to say that I soooo appreciate all of the support you guys have already given me. I can't begin to tell you how much it means. Your words of encouragement actually make me feel like I can do this. Like when I coveted the tootsie roll I let my daughter have. I just left it at coveting, and I didn't turn it into stealing, which in the past, I may have done. Also, any suggestions/ideas/advice that you may feel like sharing - PLEASE DO! I'm so open to hearing everything and I know that I really do take to heart all that you share. I didn't respond specifically to 'comments' today, but from now on I will. I appreciate that you take the time to let me know your thoughts. 

And to those who have shared with me that you may have a pound or two to lose as well (both on here, and privately) please know that you can use this blog too! If it encourages you to 'check in daily' with what you accomplished  - use the comment section as your own form of accountability. I'll be doing my weigh-ins every Sunday morning. I want this blog to be a tool to help anyone who wants to use it! ***

Oh hey... fancy meeting you here!

So as you can see from the title, I'm not suffering from some weird addiction or vice. So I hope you're not devastatingly disappointed. But my weight is something that I want to take seriously. My previous post tells all the 'background', but not surprisingly, I got a bit wordy. I do apologize, and can guarantee it's not always going to be like that. 

And if any of you do decide to stick around, I hope that you'll 'participate'. If you're already some workout fanatic, then please, share your tricks! And if you're finding that you want to drop a few pounds, feel free to check in daily as well! Just leave a comment to document your progress. It would actually be nice to know that I'm not alone in this thing. 

I have to say, even though it's only been 24 hours, I had some success today. I ate oatmeal for breakfast, a super delicious salad for lunch and for a mid-afternoon I had a banana. But then we had our first 'post placement' visit tonight with our social worker and things went a bit down hill. I had a small piece of this chocolate cake/brownie thing that I had made the other day (I mean, it was only polite to not make her eat it alone, right?) and then I had spaghetti for dinner (and I'm pretty sure my serving size was too big). I needed to fix something quick since the meeting spilled over into dinner time... and well... that was easy. Oh, and I just had a grape popsicle. I love those things. 

Well, tomorrow is a new day, and I plan on taking the kids for a walk. I'm hoping to make that a part of my daily routine each morning. Wish me luck. I think I may need it as I seem to usually quit right about now. 

You gotta start somewhere

Let's start at the beginning. 

I used to be thin. Or average. Okay, so I just wasn't fat. I was normal. And normal was good. So good, that I never had to think about it. Exercise was something that happened by default. Like if I did a sport and had to go to practice. So that basically took me through Junior High. I played basketball during my Freshman year of High School - but if we're being real, how much exercise does frosh girls b-ball actually entail? So I guess you could say that I never learned the skill of regularly exercising. 

College came and went. And each year I would gain the 'freshman 15' and lose it when I went home for the summer. Oh - and it was during college that I learned the true meaning of having a 'Big Mac Attack'. After college I tried doing Atkins. All I can remember from that time in my life was eating hot dogs and green beans. I don't even know if that's a part of the Atkins diet, but that's what I ate. And I got thin! I wish I had some pictures from back then. I remember there was an outfit that I wore on a date that I felt super cute in. It was a short mini-jean skirt and a charcoal grey t-shirt (but a nice t-shirt) and black penny loafers.  I know, even as I wrote it out it didn't sound cute, but in my mind, I was sooo cute. 

And then I got introduced to alcohol. And it became my friend. Too good of a friend, and that was the beginning of my demise. I loved dancing and when you mix that with alcohol, you kinda think that you're the lead dancer in a music video. (but now I know the folly in that) But when you stop dancing, continue with the drinking and add on mountains of greasy food to sop up all the alcohol running through your veins, you've got the perfect recipe for weight gain. And lots of it. 

My weight gain seemed to sneak up on me. It was gradual. Yes, clothes became too tight, so I would buy a piece here, and a piece there that will help me get through the work week as I could recycle them in the wardrobe at least a few times. And I would always think 'oh man, this is the biggest I've ever been' as I'd try and force myself into my current pair of pants. At some point alcohol and I broke up. We parted ways but my buddy 'fast food' still hung around. I wasn't much of a cook and it was so quick and easy to go by a drive through and pick up dinner and eat it while watching TV.  It became my norm.

And then I met the love of my life. The man who is now my husband, and the man who loved me even though I was fat. He never knew what I looked like before, but he loved who I was at the moment. And he still does. He is the most amazing and supportive guy ever. All he wants for me is to be happy and healthy. So if even if I start a diet for the millionth time, he'll still be like, 'Great! You can do it!' And he thinks I'm beautiful. Just as I am. 

But I don't. I actually feel really uncomfortable in my own skin. Well, I actually feel really uncomfortable with all the fat underneath my skin. It's tiring, I lack energy, and I know life could be so much different. There are so many things that I don't want to do because I'm self conscious of how I look. There are so many things that I don't enjoy doing because I'm over weight. And honestly, I'm really sensitive about it too. 

I think that might be surprising to some of my friends. I think my personality tends to lend itself to people thinking that I can be pretty care-free with everything in my life. Or at least joke it off, or not take it too seriously. But the truth is, it's really hard for me. 

I just got back about a month ago from adopting my son Internationally. One of my girlfriends is a professional photographer and she came to the airport to capture the moment of when I arrived. A week or so later, she emailed me the photos. I looked through each of them slowly and they made me cry. Not because they were so touching that I was actually back on US soil with the newest member of my family, but because I was absolutely mortified at how huge I was. And now I was staring right at this mirror image of what I had allowed myself to become. I was devastated.

But life at home was busy. Transitioning my son into our family, and transitioning my daughter to the new addition of a brother left me no time to wallow in my self pity. Instead, I was trying to get a routine started, and a sleeping schedule implemented and moments throughout the day to focus solely on attachment and bonding. 

And that brought me to last night. One of my girlfriends spearheaded a 'Girls Night Out'. We were supposed to dress in what ever made us feel 'Fun & Fabulous' and she had a whole list of things we needed to accomplish throughout the night while cruising around in a limo. And while I did have a really good time, I know without a shadow of a doubt, that the evening should not have been spent with me refusing to karaoke because I didn't want to stand up in front of everyone, or going through the camera and deleting all the photos of me when no-one was looking. 

I want to be able to enjoy those times with my friends, but more importantly, I want to be able to enjoy my time with my kids; my family. So I decided that I needed to do something to hold myself accountable. And that's when I thought of a blog. I figured that I could use it as a journal of sorts since it logs the time and date. I really debated about going 'public' with it, but I figured that if I did go public, it would be way more embarrassing if I didn't follow through, than if I had a private blog that no-one saw but me (even though I realize that I could still be the only one reading this thing). 

So here's the deal: I need a goal. So I decided to make the girls from the kpop videos my goal. Have you seen how great those girls look? And yes, I know it's probably impossible to look like them, but I'm thinking that even if I get 50% of the way there I'll end up looking decent, right? yeah? are you with me? 

My birthday is during the beginning of December. So while the birthday that is just over 2 weeks away is way to soon to accomplish anything, I'm hoping that the birthday that is just over a year away, will be cause for me to celebrate in a super huge way. And to help get me there, I'm going to blog about my progress every day. No joke. Every day I'm making the commitment to 'journal' about my progress. The good, the bad, the accomplishments, and the failures. But I want to do it. I need to do it. And I'm going to do to it. 

So here's to my journey of becoming a kpop star. Or at least trying to look like one.